CKNGUYENER

"I desire the things that will destroy me in the end." — Sylvia Plath

4:12 am

It’s a curse to be such an innately happy personality trapped inside a realistic, protective, masochistic, untrusting, and skeptical mind.

You’re unhappy, and people don’t believe you. Because you smile. Even when you cry.

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7:23 pm

I knew I was masochistic,

long before I knew you.

As if I try not to let myself forget it,

I arduously cling to our beautiful past,

our painfully impossible future,

your separated presence.

Detour

I am a dirt path you didn’t mean to turn onto,
a one-way street too narrow for other vehicles to pass beside.
No way to turn around, you could only keep going.
And while driving through, you were captivated by sceneries you would’ve otherwise missed,
Bold hues and untouched beauty.
Things you’ve never imagined, that you never knew existed.
And you never felt so alive.
Until you hear the busy roads,
the freeway calling you back to the destination you were originally seeking.
You drive on,
Back on schedule,
As if the time spent with me
Was no longer than a detour.
And almost as instantly as you found me,
You leave me.
Just a vision in the rearview mirror,
Until suddenly I am no more than a memory.
And you continue on,
And you get to where you needed to go.

10:39 pm

Everyone around us can see it.
We think we’re slick and sly,
but I think our friends are just
humoring us.
This is a joke.
How could they not see the tension,
the chemistry,
the raw magnetism?
A third party observer once asked
what it was that we were,
seeing, obviously, it wasn’t mere friends.
What are we?
Well?
My guess is we are the punchline
to life’s cruel joke.
We are two beings,
one soul,
no beginning nor end.
We are infinity,
we are destiny,
we are nothing.

12:08 am

Please, I beg you,

just forget me.

For I have not the strength

and will

to do it on my own.

You are my heart.

Rip it from my chest,

take it far away.

The pain is too great,

and I cannot bear the ghost of you

any longer.

Moving On

What else can I do besides go on with my life?

We always knew it was going to end. We knew the expiration date. And for a brief moment, we froze time. We laughed in the face of the future, and tried to enjoy what we had left, at maximum capacity, before it would come hurtling to its inevitable fate.

We knew it wasn’t going to last. So we had to make it count.

And now the end has come, and how does it feel? Well, it feels sort of like limbo. Everything that I imagined it would feel like, it has, and yet it hasn’t. It’s almost bittersweet. We’re not what we used to be anymore. In fact, we are nothing. Time bested us, and the future had the last laugh. But I’ll never forget our last few months, when we were everything. The world, and the stars, and the atoms in between.

Three Words

I couldn’t say it. I tried, but my non-committal habits silenced me, as much as I wanted to shout it into the almost-morning. I kissed him again instead.

“I have to go,” he half-whispered, reluctant to pull away. But he didn’t pause as he started walking towards the gate, knowing that his will to leave was already too weak.

I stood on the deck, watching him disappear. Click. The gate door closed. Footsteps fading. I reprimanded my inability to speak my mind. How often did I want to tell him, and how many chances I had lost. Now he was leaving for his trip, unaware of my plans to leave him in my past. This was my last chance to tell him, one last time.

Climbing down the porch steps, running barefoot in the dirt, I made it to the gate door and whipped it open, ready to run to him, stop him, tell him. But he was already out of sight. The moment had evaporated, and disappointment filled me like lead. I heard his car engine ignite in the distance and, defeated, I closed the gate door and walked back to my house with nothing but a heavy heart and muddy feet.

 

Heathcliff

“You said I killed you—haunt me, then! Be with me always—take any form—drive me mad! Only do not leave me in this abyss, where I cannot find you! I cannot live without my life! I cannot live without my soul!”

Twenty Four

It’s funny to think about where you thought you’d be at certain ages growing up. When I was in the Fourth Grade, I planned out my entire life by age, with a very specific timeline: 18 – graduate high school. 22 – finish college. 24 – married, maybe with a kid on the way. 27 – second kid on the way. 50 – kids have left me, and the hubs and I can finally go travel.

Now I’m terrified at the idea of having children so soon, not to mention being married. Some might call it a fear of commitment, but I call it “not settling.” I have new goals now, and they are 80% career-related. That’s what I’m committed to. I want to attempt to reach my goals while I still have the youthful yearning  and energy to complete them. Not to say that having children in your twenties keeps you from reaching your goals, but I just want to be able to zip off to New York for an event anytime I’d like, without worries or guilt. (Of course, the idea of having kids after 30, and having two generations between my children and myself, is equally as terrifying, but that’s another issue for another blogpost.)

The point is – I’m selfish. That’s why I don’t even have a dog, as much as I die over videos of baby rottweilers. But I think your twenties should be all about “you.” That’s the age range where every decision you make ultimately shapes the rest of your life, whether pertaining to career paths, starting a family, or your own understanding of yourself. It’s the real age of “growing up” and it’s the time you should begin to accept that.

I’m turning 24 in two days. I’m not married and hopefully don’t have any kids on the way (bad joke). I’m nowhere near reaching my career goals, but I’m taking baby steps. I may not have a clear path, but I’m following the stars, and I think if I stay focused, no matter how lost and existential I feel, I’m going to get there. And I have confidence in that. I might not believe in much, but I believe in that. Maybe it’s not about timelines, but about outlines. Accomplishing the to-do list, as opposed to due dates (no pun intended). And all I have to do is remember to have faith that I can, and that I will, and I will. Age is just perspective.

Honestly, as long as the hubs and I can still go traveling at 50, I’m good.

2017

This is still going on.